Diary of a Man With Schizophrenic Tendencies
by Velvet Liquor
Summary: When timid Dr. Jekyll creates rambunctious Mr. Hyde, the only thing that can ensue is randomness, crack humor, and, to the horror of all, impossible slash. After all, they share the same mind.
1. In Which Jekyll Whines

**Diary of Henry Jekyll:**

1888, Tuesday.

I've decided that I am sick of my life. My God, I am nearly forty-four years old! I have more wrinkles than Joan Rivers! If I were a younger man, I could travel the world. Well, perhaps I would just stay home, seeing as how I have a severe case of agoraphobia, which just so happens to be an irrational fear of traveling. Oh well, I suppose that's what the Travel Channel's for, eh? And if I were young and beautiful (I'll have you know I used to look just like David Hasselhoff as a young lad. Hmmm…wonder why I never married?) again, I could snag a bride for myself. Mother has been on my case far more than usual about that particular subject.

Jekyll's Mum: Henry Jekyll, I want grandchildren, blah blah blah, naggitty, naggitty, nag.

I must admit I fear that whomever I have the opportunity to marry will be just like _her_. I can't even count all the dates that have gone bad because of that nosy woman. I remember the time when she set me up with that bloody prostitute, the one with three fingers. I mean, even a prostitute should have the decency to have at least _four _fingers.

**Velvet Liquor:**

**I just had to write a parody for my favorite novella of all time. :)**

**Review. NOW.**


	2. In Which Henry does something worthwhile

**Diary of Henry Jekyll:**

1888, Thursday.

I would have logged my activities down yesterday, but sadly, I am a rather dull character, so spent my afternoon watching old reruns of _Third Rock From the Sun_. However, today, I decided to pluck up the courage to be an interesting character, and have made a most shocking scientific discovery! While I was mixing a few harmless chemicals in my laboratory, Mother decided that it would be funny to play one of those rather obnoxious Hannah Montana songs in her bedroom at full blast. I will say that I was quite perturbed, until, rather suddenly, my potion began bubbling! The entire room began smelling of black licorice, one of my most favored sweets. So I drank it, without testing it on Peter, my prized lab rat.

Peter: Excuse me, but isn't that why I'm here? 0_o

Jekyll: Forgive me, would you like a sip?

Peter: -Looks at dark, bubbling goop- On second thought, you go ahead.

Jekyll: Suit yourself, chum. –Swallows- Well, this certainly isn't so bad-DEAR GOD! AGONIZING…SEARING PAIN! MUMMY, MAKE IT STOP! I…I can see the light. Is that heaven I see? Ohhhhhhh! My aching body! –Moans-

Director: We're not paying you to overact, honey.

Jekyll: Curses. My creative genius if ruined! Nevertheless, I shall prevail… -Faints-


	3. In Which Hyde is Born

**Diary of Henry Jekyll:**

1888, Friday.

Oh, how can I express my sincerest pleasures at having concocted that lovely little potion yesterday? It appears I have acquired youth after all. The potion seems to have brought forth another side of myself, a newer version of my body, young, strong…and bearing a striking resemblance to that rather nasty 'Jack the Ripper' bloke everyone's been fretting about these days. Of course, I know Edward would _never _dismember a prostitute, even one who's only got three fingers. That's his name; I've decided to call him Edward Hyde. And he is simply the most _wonderful _character!

Hyde: Hey, Jekyll, your mum's playing Hannah Montana songs again; shall we cut out her heart and eat it? –Hopeful grin-

Jekyll: -Jaw drop- Of course, he still has much to learn.

Now, Edward, how do we greet a lady?

Hyde: Righto. –Clears throat- 'Hey wench, how's 'bout you getting me a mug o' rum to quench me thirst?' And then I slap her arse, right?

Jekyll: -Facepalm- No, Edward! Why, a gentleman of proper upbringings must never treat a lady so! Well, unless she's a three-fingered prostitute, then it's understandable.

Hyde: Y'know, Jekyll, you sure seem to 'ave a grudge 'gainst prostitutes with missing appendages. Might wanna get that checked out. 'Sides, as long as you gets your money's worth, who the bloody hell cares?

Jekyll: It appears that this mission is to be harder than I thought it would originally be. I, or course, can forgive Hyde for his shortcomings, as he has only just been introduced to the ways of this world. But if he ever wants to become a proper gentleman, then he'd better put his best foot forward.

Now, Edward, what does a gentleman do for entertainment in London?

Hyde: Well, that 'Jack the Ripper' bloke seems to be pretty popular 'round these 'ere parts…

Jekyll: -Slaps Hyde- No! If I ever catch you even _thinking _about that horrible criminal, I shall do something that you will not take so lightly!

Hyde: Is that right, is it? Well, how the bloomin' hell do you expect to know when or if I'm thinking of dear old Jack, eh?

Jekyll: We share the same mind, you moron.

Hyde: -Fumes-


	4. In Which Hyde Discovers Religion

**Diary of Edward Hyde:**

1888, Sunday.

Stupid Jekyll. Stupid church. Stupid Jekyll's mum (Note to self: get around to learning her name). Stupid Jekyll's mum and her stupid Hannah Montana music. Stupid O.J. Simpson (C'mon, we all know he went and offed her)! Jekyll actually had the balls to send me off to morning church service-at six in the bloody morning! I learned of Adam and Eve, and how she screwed us all over with eating the apple, and offering some to Adam. By the sounds of it, she must've been a three-fingered prostitute (Jekyll swears on it). This God fellow gives me the collywobbles, always watching people go 'bout their daily lives. Scares the hell out o' me, he does.

Hyde: -In a bathtub, covered in soap. Keeps looking around and around, sweating nervously- STOP WATCHING ME, YOU CREEPER!

Only one good thing came out of the whole thing-I learned of a man called Lucifer, who then became Satan, or, in other words, the devil (A.K.A: That red chap with horns who you often see in Saturday morning cartoons). Interesting fellow, is he! I shall 'ave to write a letter to him for when Jekyll makes his weekly trip to the post office. Look at me; I've gone all giddy!

-Giggles like a little schoolgirl-


	5. In Which the Satanic Note is Discovered

**Diary of Henry Jekyll:**

1888, Wednesday.

I must admit that I am quite frightened by Edward's new infatuation with the devil. Why, just this morning, he handed a letter to me, addresses as thus:

_To: The Devil (A.K.A: my hero)_

_From: Edward Hyde (His Dark Majesty's most loyal subject)_

Is that not the most horrible thing you have ever witnessed? I simply cannot fathom my little Edward trailing after the devil. I cannot, will not allow it! Not in this God-fearing household! I know exactly what I must do…

Jekyll: -Beats Hyde with a rolling pin- I SHALL BEAT THE DEVIL OUT OF YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Hyde: Ow! What the hell are you doing?! Holy hell, what's got your britches in a bunch?!

Jekyll: -Produces Hyde's letter- Well, Edward, would you mind explaining _this _to me?!

Hyde: Oh, glad you found it! That's me letter to Satan! -Grins-

Jekyll: And what were you intending to ask of him?

Hyde: I dunno, I just kind of wanted presents and stuff like that. I mean, isn't he just the underworld's version of your Santa Claus?

Jekyll: -Groans-


	6. In Which Hyde Writes to S Claus

**Diary of Edward Hyde:**

1888, Wednesday.

I decided I would 'ave to enlist the services of another person to deliver my letters to the devil. Ain't it just so damn lucky that I ran into a lass willing to do anything for a shiny new penny (Note to self: When I wants to 'ave some fun, make sure I find me way back to her)? And it just so 'appens that she only 'as three fingers, so I suppose that's my 'oh-so-subtle' way of kneeing Jekyll in the groin for putting me conversations with Satan to a halt. And you wouldn't believe what he told me after that:

Jekyll: Now, Edward, I understand you are most distraught, but please know that I am only doing this for your own good. Now, if you still wish to write a letter, I suggest someone more respectable. How about the _real_ Mr. Claus?

Hyde: DX

So 'ere I am, writing me letter to the jolly fat bastard. Well, so long as I'm stuck 'ere, I might as well ask him for something useful…

_Dear S. Claus,_

_Me name is Edward Hyde. I 'aven't been a very good sport lately, but that's 'bout to change. I'm trying to be a good little creation, but it's getting 'arder and 'arder the more I goes 'bout me ways. You see, me friend, a certain Mr. Henry Jekyll, that is, really needs a break from all the stress his job offers him, and you see, I've gone and found just what he needs. You see, Santa, me friend simply adores three-fingered prostitutes. So I wants 'bout a hundred and fifty three-inch tall live prostitutes with three fingers, so I can hides 'em round the place to give him a lovely little surprise. If you do this for me, I promise to never piss in Jekyll's slippers again._

_Sincerely,_

_Mr. Hyde_

I almost felt bad about that one. _Almost_.

And I'm still going to piss in his slippers.


	7. In Which Jekyll Fondles over Christmas

**Diary of Henry Jekyll:**

1888, Monday.

Oh, I am most excited! In only a week's time it will be Christmas morning, and I shall present to Edward his very first Christmas present! I know just what I'll get him too-a Bible! Is that not the most ingenious gift to present to him after his recent escapade with the devil? And what will he give me, I wonder? Oh, I can hardly wait, I'm so happy!

P.S. Mother is staying over for Christmas. Must warn Edward not to cut out her heart and devour it, as he still thinks that is a reasonable solution to my 'Get-That-Nagging-Bitch-Out-of-the-House' dilemma.


End file.
